I feel compelled to share…
We’ll go back a bit…..
My childhood had been an interesting one; disruptive in that we moved on a yearly basis and I had to learn the lessons of detachement and connection to survive emotionally. Even so my parents were loving, doing the best they could with what they knew, extraordinarily creative and not immune to putting myself and my siblings into strange situations in order to encourage that creative experience.
For example, I have vague recollections of being rolled up naked in lengths of white gauze so Dad could film me unravelling. I was a butterfly emerging!
I was a deep thinking child, acutely, painfully aware and extremely certain of my thoughts but being trained by the establishment to forgoe faith in myself in favour of the concepts and opinions of the adult world.
I grew into a teenager, angst and energy swirling within me, a enormous need to express myself but with no outlet that I could see. I played teenager games of rebellion and found my identity in that.
I became pregnant with twins at 17 and was SO excited. I don’t think that is the ‘normal’ reaction for a 17yr old and my parents weren’t too happy, but still, for me it was AWESOME!
The story evolved, with relationships and experiences and the discovering of ‘new age’ philosophies etc
Then in a comfortable marriage with five children under the age of 11 and pregnant with the sixth I found myself deeply unhappy. I had already spent a few years playing around with meditation and Reiki, making strong intentions for spiritual awareness and happiness on a daily basis.
I think it was due to these intentions that I became aware of how sad and dissatisfied I was, in fact, had always been.
After the birth of my 6th child and first daughter I spiralled into depression, I kept a happy demeanour for those around but as soon as I was alone I’d cry and cry.
I developed anxiety, I couldn’t eat anything that had preservatives, couldn’t take in any type of stimulant.
My body awareness lifted to such a degree that I could hear my heart beating all the time, the blood rushing through my veins and the endocrine system squirting out hormones. It was horrifying.
I couldn’t be alone anymore at all because the anxiety would start. This developed into a type of night terror.
Lying in bed, my body would start shaking uncontrollably, I couldn’t close my eyes because if I did I’d see the most grotesque face coming closer and closer. I would get up to wee and it would be like niagara falls (I mention this as it was part of what I now see as massive cleansing of toxins and fears that were arising from my unconscious).
This went on for weeks and as you might imagine really messed with my life!
One day a dear friend mentioned the concept of a ‘shadow self’ and suggested I see the grotesque face behind my eyes in this way and instead of opening my eyes in avoidance, I embrace it and allow it to come closer to me….
My tired mind was willing to give it a go. So that night when the shaking began I fearfully closed my eyes and there he was, so ugly, so terrifying.
I resisted opening my eyes and tried to breathe, as I stared at this face (with my eyes shut!) I felt sick, my legs started screaming…the only way to describe the emotional torture I was feeling, maybe they were screaming with the need to get away from this devil.
But I persisted, the face came closer and closer and he turned into a swirling tunnel of deathly white corpses, trying to suck me in, he appeared again I found myself meeting him and then as I allowed him to come into my face he dissolved instantly.
It was such a relief to realise it was gone…..little did I know though, the story had only just begun!
A short time after that I began having what I call ‘rushes of energy’. I’d be relaxing or in a meditative state when energy would build and seem to PUSH up through my body. I didn’t like the feeling, it consistently brought up fear for me.
Each time it happened it would be a little stronger and a little longer than the time before.
Until one particular night it began in earnest.
I hadn’t done anything unusual, was simply lying in bed, consciously relaxing my body. The feeling pushed up through my cells, rising to a pressure in my head, the energy gained momentum and my head was filling with it, more and more, bigger and so powerful!
I was intensely frightened but at the same time I had a sense that this was part of a benevolent plan.
The energy continued to rush like a volcano until I had a thought- ‘My heads going to explode!’ I truly felt like I would die- and then I heard a voice that said- ‘that’s all she can handle’ and the energy disappeared suddenly. It sounded like my voice but at the same tiime I knew it wasn’t.
I was left wishing I was able to handle more!
The following night the same thing happened, I responded with the same fear but I think I allowed myself to let go a little more because as it came to the part where I thought my head was going to burst, there was a release of beautiful proportions, for a milli second I heard the music of the universe or I was the music of the universe, it was like trumpets and voices and choirs yet it was also a vibratory rumbling!
What I learned from that music was unsayable, I knew that time was an illusion, that body was spirit, that there is so so much more and we are magnificent.
I do believe that it was an enlightenment experience that served to flush my system and open the doors of my mind.
My life since has been different, better, beautiful.
My love for humanity has grown, my understanding of connection and compassion for all has deepened remarkably.
I haven’t gone to enlightenment school and yet I seem to keep opening to further knowledge. I don’t think I was able to handle the full experience in one go, the voice that was God, that was me, was right HaHa! But I COULD allow the doors to open and the music of the Universe to come trickling in.
The MOST amazing, life affirming and hope filled thing I took from this was that we are literally one pulsing being in separate forms. All we need do now is re-member!
I AM IN LOVE!