The Universe Is Music

I feel compelled to share…
We’ll go back a bit…..

My childhood had been an interesting one; disruptive in that we moved on a yearly basis and I had to learn the lessons of detachement and connection to survive emotionally. Even so my parents were loving, doing the best they could with what they knew, extraordinarily creative and not immune to putting myself and my siblings into strange situations in order to encourage that creative experience.

For example, I have vague recollections of being rolled up naked in lengths of white gauze so Dad could film me unravelling. I was a butterfly emerging!

I was a deep thinking child, acutely, painfully aware and extremely certain of my thoughts but being trained by the establishment to forgoe faith in myself in favour of the concepts and opinions of the adult world.
I grew into a teenager, angst and energy swirling within me, a enormous need to express myself but with no outlet that I could see. I played teenager games of rebellion and found my identity in that.

I became pregnant with twins at 17 and was SO excited. I don’t think that is the ‘normal’ reaction for a 17yr old and my parents weren’t too happy, but still, for me it was AWESOME!
The story evolved, with relationships and experiences and the discovering of ‘new age’ philosophies etc

Then in a comfortable marriage with five children under the age of 11 and pregnant with the sixth I found myself deeply unhappy. I had already spent a few years playing around with meditation and Reiki, making strong intentions for spiritual awareness and happiness on a daily basis.

I think it was due to these intentions that I became aware of how sad and dissatisfied I was, in fact, had always been.

After the birth of my 6th child and first daughter I spiralled into depression, I kept a happy demeanour for those around but as soon as I was alone I’d cry and cry.

I developed anxiety, I couldn’t eat anything that had preservatives, couldn’t take in any type of stimulant.

My body awareness lifted to such a degree that I could hear my heart beating all the time, the blood rushing through my veins and the endocrine system squirting out hormones. It was horrifying.

I couldn’t be alone anymore at all because the anxiety would start. This developed into a type of night terror.

Lying in bed, my body would start shaking uncontrollably, I couldn’t close my eyes because if I did I’d see the most grotesque face coming closer and closer. I would get up to wee and it would be like niagara falls (I mention this as it was part of what I now see as massive cleansing of toxins and fears that were arising from my unconscious).

This went on for weeks and as you might imagine really messed with my life!

One day a dear friend mentioned the concept of a ‘shadow self’ and suggested I see the grotesque face behind my eyes in this way and instead of opening my eyes in avoidance, I embrace it and allow it to come closer to me….
My tired mind was willing to give it a go. So that night when the shaking began I fearfully closed my eyes and there he was, so ugly, so terrifying.
I resisted opening my eyes and tried to breathe, as I stared at this face (with my eyes shut!) I felt sick, my legs started screaming…the only way to describe the emotional torture I was feeling, maybe they were screaming with the need to get away from this devil.

But I persisted, the face came closer and closer and he turned into a swirling tunnel of deathly white corpses, trying to suck me in, he appeared again I found myself meeting him and then as I allowed him to come into my face he dissolved instantly.

It was such a relief to realise it was gone…..little did I know though, the story had only just begun!

A short time after that I began having what I call ‘rushes of energy’. I’d be relaxing or in a meditative state when energy would build and seem to PUSH up through my body. I didn’t like the feeling, it consistently brought up fear for me.

Each time it happened it would be a little stronger and a little longer than the time before.
Until one particular night it began in earnest.

I hadn’t done anything unusual, was simply lying in bed, consciously relaxing my body. The feeling pushed up through my cells, rising to a pressure in my head, the energy gained momentum and my head was filling with it, more and more, bigger and so powerful!

I was intensely frightened but at the same time I had a sense that this was part of a benevolent plan.

The energy continued to rush like a volcano until I had a thought- ‘My heads going to explode!’ I truly felt like I would die- and then I heard a voice that said- ‘that’s all she can handle’ and the energy disappeared suddenly. It sounded like my voice but at the same tiime I knew it wasn’t.
I was left wishing I was able to handle more!

The following night the same thing happened, I responded with the same fear but I think I allowed myself to let go a little more because as it came to the part where I thought my head was going to burst, there was a release of beautiful proportions, for a milli second I heard the music of the universe or I was the music of the universe, it was like trumpets and voices and choirs yet it was also a vibratory rumbling!

What I learned from that music was unsayable, I knew that time was an illusion, that body was spirit, that there is so so much more and we are magnificent.

I do believe that it was an enlightenment experience that served to flush my system and open the doors of my mind.

My life since has been different, better, beautiful.

My love for humanity has grown, my understanding of connection and compassion for all has deepened remarkably.

I haven’t gone to enlightenment school and yet I seem to keep opening to further knowledge. I don’t think I was able to handle the full experience in one go, the voice that was God, that was me, was right HaHa! But I COULD allow the doors to open and the music of the Universe to come trickling in.

The MOST amazing, life affirming and hope filled  thing I took from this was that we are literally one pulsing being in separate forms. All we need do now is re-member!




87 thoughts on “The Universe Is Music”

  1. holy moly, i think i went through the same sort of “spiritual” thing, i call it spiritual because it wasn’t physical. my “shadow self” which I let write angry, frustrated pieces, has allowed me to live in a sort of harmony with myself. At one point, i thought i was magic, but then, manic, and now, balanced, i mean, if you had to choose between “god” and “the earth”, well, i chose both, what a crazy balance it is 😉

    (my blog actually details that whole process, I had to step back for a while and gather the pieces, now I feel a lot more confident with myself)

    Thank you for sharing 🙂


    1. its a crazy balance alright! I choose ‘God and Earth are one too…..’ two plus one = one haha one plus one equals one and we are it……. possibly a little crazy but feel very excited by it all!


      1. (instant notification and insomnia are wonderful aren’t they?)

        Exciting is just scratching the surface, hehe.

        Contradiction, paradox, *expletive* , life has it all

        can’t wait! (sometimes I can, but that’s a part of it too)


      2. think i got mine for the evening, had a crazy dream recently, spent 12 hours the other day writing it out, 34 pages later, i’m still awake, hehe, gonna try to sleep now 🙂


  2. Wow, how I can relate to so much of what you said here. First my family too always moved around as a child every year or two. Once to a new province and from there to new cities. I too had to learn adjustment quickly and not get to comfortable in my surroundings for to long. I too had an experience very similar to yours with the devil as I was wide awake. It’s a long story but the jist is that demon followed me closely since 2003 until last year when I was given the opportunity to break loose of it’s grip. It still tries to break through but I’ve learned through the mercy of God and a band of unknown men how to guard myself against this demon who vowed in front of me “Your Hell is about to Begin”. It’s exact words. I was wide awake and my now ex husband was standing right there watching me shake uncontrollably dropping to my knees when this thing entered into my house and appeared. I saw images after that up until last summer. He actually took a form of an older white man in a black suit, white shirt and tie and black hat. He appeared out of nowhere near a highway while I was sitting under a tree after buying a pack of cigarettes after I made the decision to quit the first time last year. I didn’t open my pack of cigarettes but played with the lighter instead. I got up to leave and he disappeared. As I was walking back to where I was living I heard a loud squeal of a car then a loud crash. I walked by the scene of the accident it was a black jeep that skidded off the road and hit a sign that said, “Watch for Children. Peace be with you and the mercy of God to us all. I’m very happy you found your peace”. I ended up quitting after that pack and have been smoke free almost a year. Thank God


    1. yes i have always thought it was kundalini related…and now i say i want to open up my kundalini to be more connected and sexual and spiritual but maybe, after the intensity of that first experience i am actually a bit scared to go through it again….you have me thinking….maybe i am resisting further opening…..hmmmm…thanks!


  3. What a lovely little story, having had depression after my children I can empathize with you. Anxiety still runs my life most of the time. But I am happy to hear everything is going well for you now though. 🙂


  4. Love love love! Inspiring and awesome…. that mixture of scary massiveness and the sheer dazzlingness of breathless insights! Reading this makes me feel brave about sharing more on my blog. Deep breath! x


      1. No, just honest. I’ve been pagan for 37 years and have had experiences similar to yours, and helped others the way your friend did you. And yes, the Universe is music. Beautiful, terrifying, loving and exasperating.


  5. Thank you for sharing this beautiful and enlightening experience. I believe so many of us search/desire to progress into this awe inspiring state of being, which definitely does make one see life in a totally different way. May your path be continually blessed with love and light.


  6. Thanks for all your lovely comments on my blogs!
    Congratulations on cleansing yourself from all you suffered. I do understand on a number of levels.
    Bon courage et bon chance!


  7. Your experiences are so similiar to mine. I had 5 children including twins under 7, and my marriage broke down when the eldest was 11. I also know of what you speak when you describe your awakening, it is a very common experience. You have been blessed to experience that. Thankyou for dropping by and following my blog. It may help you to start from the beginning with it, [April Archives]. Thankyou. Will follow you.


  8. This dear girl is quite the tale…pensive now…will continue to think on this…we know we have some crazy similarities…I keep typing and deleting in need to just appreciate your story…and leave mine for another day. Hugs to you Arna! xo


  9. Arna, a very moving description of your working through anxiety and depression and finding spiritual experience. And thanks also for subscribing to memengineering. Peter


  10. That is amazing. I know how it feels to have been in extremely dark places, unfortunately I didn’t experience such an amazing thing as you to leave those places. I wish I had, because I’m still afraid I might return to those things. I’m bipolar, and I have anxiety problems (and a little agoraphobia too) as well. I use medicines to control it, but I hate having to depend on medicine because I was addicted to pain killers once because of my degenerative disc disease that was unknown at the time.
    I’ve been playing around with spiritual ideas lately, and practicing meditation a little. It definitely helps me get through dentist visits, haha. So your story is really inspiring to read.


    1. You know, meditation and self-awareness/exploration personal development WILL definitely help you move through your weaknesses, step by step little by little. One of the biggest issues mankind has, I think, is trying to get everywhere FAST, sometimes the things we call ‘afflictions’ are best navigated gently, slowly, with awe and fascination. It is an interesting thing we call life, so many stories, all valid. Thankyou for sharing your story with me, my best advice, something that has really worked for me is to remember to breathe… deeply and often. it is a cleanser and a calmer great medicine…helping me follow through on my intentions to bring balance to my organic system and my psychological one .
      Lots of love
      Arna x


  11. Your writing is infused with light and sound,very refreshing.Spiritual awareness heals our fractured souls.If we only understood that we need God, what a world we would have.Blessings Arna!

    Thanks for visiting come again soon.


  12. “Lost faith, revolted; integrated butterfly restored”
    (Hemingway’s story; six words. Yours too!)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog:)


  13. Your very unusual experience was possibly more auditory than what I experienced in My Silver Shower of Lights on March 31st, 1993 — though I too experienced a voice around October 22, 1993, which gave me great comfort (immediately following a battle with God which I can hardly describe — except that I survived it by repeating, “I will not serve God — I will not serve God — I will serve only My Self”): a melodious female voice, accompanied by the apparition of a beautiful dark haired woman on my right shoulder (as if I had two heads) delicately, singingly stated, “You know The Meaning of Life, and So You Are A Star.” (This I later understood to mean “Star” in the elemental sense as opposed to the typical “Pop” sense.)

    That you heard the Universe in a totally musical sense is simply beautiful and majestic and amazing and delightful and perfectly sensible. I have never heard that magnitude of music and you are extremely fortunate to know what the Universe sounds like.


    1. Oh my, I am honoured to hear your story! what an amazing and extreme experience, I will be searching your blog to find out more….. Thankyou so much for reading and commenting! It was music I heard but I guess it sounds nothing like music that we hear in the physical…i don;t think i would interpret it as music if i listened with human only ears actually…more like a rumble! but oh yes it stays with me now xx


  14. Was the music like Jupiter’s music? What an amazing story…I am so glad you were able to conquer (absorb?) your shadow self, and that you found your way out of that awful place we all find ourselves in at some time or another.

    I guess I have a bit of a story myself, but…some other time. XO


    1. I think in someway i took myself there with the conscious and intense intention to be clear …there was so much life experience, judgement, interpretation and fear sticking to my channels that in a way I just had to clean out…to begin to see more clearly…. i think am clearing daily…more and more asking for pure flow and clarity constantly….


    2. the music was somewhat like jupiters but had many levels…it sounded like everyone speaking at once a vibration that sounded one way but was heard like angels singing…makes me realise that what we see anyhow we see it are different….makes me wonder if what we ‘see’ is actually there 😉 that in fact everything is absolute bliss but i am seeing and hearing my version…my withholding….


      1. I would like to think that it IS all bliss…because, omg…things can just be so awful sometimes. I want to believe that it’s not supposed to be and that if I can reach some higher level of being, I will have a little more control over the things that stress/worry/destroy me.

        You seem to be a conduit, actually…for whatever is trying to speak to us. Like a cosmic interpreter. I find my way through you sometimes, which is interesting. We don’t actually know one another. At least not officially. 😉


      2. I don’t know with any logic that it is all bliss, but i have felt seen been part of an energy of pure okayness with all of it..even the absolute terrible shit in the world… its not okayness on a human level… but it is about having empathy for self and others without believing that it is tRUE…hmmmm i read somewhere…’Emmanuels Teachings’ i think (channelled info) that everything is as it should be and nothing is as it seems…. I also know that the more i face my own terroristic, satanic fears based thoughts…programming the more I clean it up… the less I notice or am absorbed by the ‘external’ world….


      3. I don’t know with any logic that it is all bliss, but i have felt seen been part of an energy of pure okayness with all of it..even the absolute terrible shit in the world… its not okayness on a human level… but it is about having empathy for self and others without believing that it is tRUE…hmmmm i read somewhere…’Emmanuels Teachings’ i think (channelled info) that everything is as it should be and nothing is as it seems…. I also know that the more i face my own terroristic, satanic fears based thoughts…programming the more I clean it up… the less I notice or am absorbed by the ‘external’ world….
        on some level i think it is about not arrogantly believing that I know what is best for people….. that we come here for the experience of earth…. that everyone is a powerful entity…. perception is only perception emotions are just emotions..the truth lies somewhere deeper and within all of this…….


  15. You are a magnificent silvery one! We are like those old boatmen on rivers (with long beards and knotted knees) carrying each other from one side to the next then back again…over and over….never stopping to really feel the currents or dive into the soup. What soup! Reading this, it seems your story is my story. Echoes of the heart. Wonderful tale. Love and light, leex


  16. What an insightful and relate-able story. I am glad to have read it at a time when I seem to be resisting my “shadow self” as well. It seems once we begin to open ourselves to endless possibility, a little “shadow” piece wants us to hold on to our dreary existence of only-self. Cheers to facing your fears, and thank you for taking me one step further to facing my own. P.S. you have fantastic poetry!


  17. Hi Arna, Your Kundalini awakening is moving and beautiful, and resonates with my Kundalini experience. Your art is inspiring and angelic, and I feel very drawn to your work. Infinite love and light, Brooke


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